What Derails my Peaceful Parenting

Lately, Gumby and I seem to clash ... so much more than we used to.  I suppose it has something to do with all of the development that is happening with a three and a half year old and the adjustment to having a new member of the family.  But, it also has something to do with my response to her.  Sometimes, my responses are not what I want them to be and are also probably not what Gumby is expecting of me.  I have become aware of a few things that derail me from my peaceful parenting track.  I hope to use this awareness to pause, see that my responses are not coming from the heart but from these other issues which are my own, acknowledge them and get back on track.

1.Expectations & Controlling Outcomes
I can get so caught up in expectations that I forget parenting is about the journey and the relationships we are cultivating along the way.  As my energy goes towards controlling a certain expectation or outcome that I have perceived as important or correct in my own mind, I find myself wrapped up in that control, in a battle, which makes me angry.  The more my focus turns towards these outcomes and away from Gumby, the more it seems like I am struggling against a tide of increasing strength.  Except I am the one giving it strength.  And, Gumby isn't struggling against me, she's simply struggling.  She's asking for my help because the tide is sweeping her away.  When I let go of my expectations and understand that I cannot (nor do I need to) control outcomes, I am more able to focus on Gumby's needs and how I can help this situation in this present moment.

2. Minimizing Feelings
I know that it is not beneficial to minimize feelings.  Gumby's feelings are important, real and often times for her very strong.  It is a challenge for me to empathize when I interpret her feelings as exaggerated or silly.  Duck poo around the pond, bright sunlight and unpleasant smells may not be unbearable for me, an adult with a fully mature and (mostly) regulated system, but for a little one with an immature brain and not fully regulated system, these things can be a real bother.  When my mind dubs a catalyst to Gumby's feelings as insignificant, I struggle to respond in the nurturing way that Gumby needs.  What I strive to remember is that these things are big to her and she needs a hand  when things are feeling out of control for her.  She would not ask for something if she did not need it.

3. Privilege
Thoughts of my own privilege can provoke irritation, anger and a shortage of patience.  I cannot empathize or empower Gumby when I am viewing what I "deserve" as being at odds with Gumby's needs and feelings. Framing my needs as a privilege that I deserve invites a conflict that I am loosing, that I must fight to win.  While it is important to acknowledge my own needs and feelings, I want to act in a way that works to meet every one's needs as best as possible.

4.Thinking I Do Not Have a Choice
When I find myself thinking I have no choice in a situation, I feel helpless, entrapped and act with annoyance at best.  I do not have to play, pick up, carry, nurse or anything.  I must remember that I choose to do these things because they are important.  And, if I need a rest, then I need to acknowledge that as well.  It does not model self limits and respect to Gumby if I sigh or roll my eyes while fulfilling a request of hers.  I must remember that everything is a choice, my choice.  It makes me happy knowing that I do have a choice which enables me to interact and respond from a place of peace.

Tonight at bedtime, all four of these things crept into my mind.  But I was ready for them.  Laying in bed trying to help a little one sleep when it takes long has always been a challenge to me... Because I want to control the outcome (she should be asleep by now) ... I inadvertanly minimize her feelings anad needs (This is ridiculous, just go to sleep) ... I stew about what I deserve to be doing instead (I've laid here long enough, go to sleep so I can shower, clean, watch shows, blog, cuddle with my husband, etc) ... and I think I have to lay there.  But, I didn't.  I didn't have to lay there.  And, I didn't have to control the outcome.  She's never stayed up forever before, surely, tonight would not be any different.  Her inability to settle in to bed tonight was not ridiculous to her, otherwise, she would have been asleep!  Yes, I had things I wanted to do.  But, most of all, I wanted to act out of compassion to meet my daughters needs.  And, I did.

What things sneak up on you to derail your peaceful parenting?
How does identifying them help you get back on track?

Gumby: Big Sister

From taking the pregnancy test (she thought my peeing on a stick was hilarious),












to pre-natal appointments,

















to Lil' Dove's birth, Gumby has been there for it all. 

The fun times ...
She told everyone there was a baby in my belly. 
She pondered if she wanted a brother or sister.

The not so fun times ...
She fetched me plastic grocery bags "in case you get sick" during my pregnancy.  Sometimes, it wasn't just "incase".
She reminded me to take my vitamins and counted for me to swallow my "liquid vitamin", black strap molasses, which while is horrible, disgusting tasting and smelling (as Gumby would tell you) stuff, it is a very soluble source of iron. 

And, the hard times.
She learned to play more independently while I laid on the couch naseous. 
She became comfortable falling asleep without nursing when I could not lay down with her. 
We eventually nightweaned as the naseau, tiredness and breast tenderness became too much for me to bear. 

Through it all, Gumby remained enthusiatic.

She saw other baby's when we'd go out and loved looking at them.
She told me my belly was getting bigger and bigger.
She hugged it, kissed it, and told it good night.

She painted it :)

She took belly pictures with me.

We counted the months until Baby Boo would arrive.  I told her it would be after it snowed.  She waited for winter, then Christmas, then New Years, knowing that one day soon, Baby Boo would be here.

But, did she know that her life would be forever changed?
Would she really enjoy this little angel as much as she anticipated?

As a matter of fact - she would. 
She welcomed her baby sister with open arms.

She baked her a birthday cake.

 She shared her nummies with her.

There is nothing sweeter than the way Gumby pets Lil' Dove or holds her hand while they share nummies <3

She shared her bed* with her. 

She loves her baby sister as much as we do. 

She gets diapers for her, clothes, burp clothes, toys, etc.  Anything she may need.
She waits patiently, or not so patiently ;) , while we tend Lil' Dove.  In any case, she is never angry or upset or blames Lil' Dove for any delays.

She gets me when Lil' Dove cries.  She speculates what Lil' Dove may be trying to tell us, how she's feeling and what we may do for her. 
She bounces her bouncer; she "shh's" her to sleep; she wipes the spit from her mouth. 

She plays with her.

Gumby is an awesome Big Sister who is fully present and living in the moment.
We could learn a lot from her and we are all lucky to have her in our lives <3

 * While the girls do share the family bed at night, this is not typically how it looks as they do not sleep next to each other, Lil' Dove does not sleep on a pillow, etc.  This was a cute and supervised situation and is not to be used as an example of safe bed sharing/co-sleeping.

Stop Calling Children "Drama Queens"

Two toddlers are running around at the playground, turn a corner and run right into each other.  The force knocks each of them to the ground.  As one toddler's parent asks the little one if she is okay from the fall, the other toddler's parent rolls his eyes, chuckles and tells her not to be such a "drama queen".  The kids get up and continue playing.  You wouldn't be able to tell which child had which discussion, at least not on the surface.  While one child feels respected, validated and that her feelings matter, the other one doesn't bother to show any feelings because they will not be taken seriously anyway. 

The sidewalks are crowded and icy.  While one adult is rushing to get home from a long days work, another is engulfed in their cell phone while waiting for a cab.  The person in a hurry turns quickly and bumps into the other adult, knocking them down.  The fallen adult shrieks in pain and and grabs his ankle.  Is he a "drama queen" also?

There are a lot of situations that are similar that happen to adults and children.  Adults are almost always taken seriously, but it seems that children rarely are.  Their reactions and emotions are often made trivial by surrounding adults.  But, they are not trivial and each interaction teaches the children something far bigger that what is seen on the surface.

 An Unfinished Brain

Humans are born with a very immature brain; it is only 25% of the final adult brain size.

90% of the growth of the human brain occurs in the first five years of life.¹  The lower part of the brain is emotional, triggering strong emotions.  The higher part of the brain, the last part of the brain to develop, is in charge of reasoning, empathy and keeping the strong emotions in check.  The higher part of the brain continues to develop in the teenage years and even into the early 20s!²  Children are not setting out to be "excessivly emotional" as Merriam Webster defines a "Drama Queen". "Drama queen" emotions and reactions in children are simply an example of the higher part of the brain not being developed enough to calm and control the impulses of the lower brain.  

They are simply being children who have the same needs of love, empathy and understanding as the rest of us adults.

During the first five years of a child's life, the higher brain is forming a huge amount of connections between its cells.  These connections affect how the child will function socially and emotionally.³  The base of these connections rely very heavily on what the child is exposed to, reactions they experience, words that are said to them.  When children are exposed to bullying at a young age, the brain structures and chemical systems in their brain actually change.⁴  It is vitally important not to mock or bully a child. 

Minimizing Feelings & A Blow to Self-Esteem

When a child is called things such as "drama queen" and their feelings are not taken seriously, they may start to feel they do not deserve to be taken seriously.  If those around them are telling them they are insignificant, then they believe that they are insignificant.  They slowly start believing that what they say or feel really doesn't matter.  They may hide their feelings or loose their self respect leaving them even more vulnerable to bullies, drugs etc. The last thing a parent wants is a child afraid to be honest or express themselves openly in the parent-child relationship.

Shaming & a Fear of Vulnerability

Children learn by example.  What example does it set for a child on how to treat someone in a time of upset if when they are upset, they are not taken seriously, validated or shown empathy, but instead shamed?  Shame is an intense and painful feeling.  One way to protect oneself from shame is to put up a shield against ones own vulnerability.  Any weaknesses are hidden so that no one can cause the child to feel shame.  Children learn that pointing out another's vulnerability, they can protect their own.  They may try to rid themselves of their shame by projecting it onto others and become a bully.

Namecalling & Labelling are Self Fullfilling Prophecies

Children naturally look to adults for direction and information and internalize things said to or about them.  Namecalling and labelling are self fullfilling prophecies.  If a child is constantly called or labelled as something, then that becomes true to them and they actually will strive to fit the label.  Maybe the fall doesn't hurt, but the child knows they are a "drama queen", so they know they need to yell and scream and make an excessive commotion, which will result in them being called a "drama queen", and so on.

The Effects of Labelling on the Labeller
Labels such as "drama queens" have a negative connotation.  How would your reactions towards someone or a situation change if you thought of someone as "drama queen" versus thinking of them as human beings who have the same needs and feelings as yourself?  How would you respond differently?  Think about the examples at the beginning of this page.  You have convinced yourself that your child is a drama queen.  Clearly, when they fall and are upset, you are annoyed because you have already decided this reaction is in excess and only to get a reaction or attention which you have no intention of giving.  Later, you see an adult, who you have no pre-conceived notions of, fall.  You rush over to see if they are hurt, need help to get up, need a doctor.  Perhaps you empathize with them, at their embarrassment of the fall.  The two scenarios are similar, but your reactions are polar opposites.  The difference is the labels you already had set, or not, in your own mind.

Whether negative comments by adults to and/or about children are meant to be insulting or whether they are said in what is meant to be "good natured fun", there are serious and long term consequences to minimizing childrens' feelings, shaming, namecalling and labelling. Stop doing it!

This post was inspired by an actual event as described in the first paragraph.  The other parent went so far as to imply my toddler was also a "drama queen" after the two toddlers collided and Gumby asked for a mooch.  The problem is that neither Deeda nor myself are good with confrontations.  We said nothing and just ignored the folks, though we both wanted so badly to explain to him what the consequences are of his actions.
What did you think of the post?
What would you have done in the situation?
How could we educate folks should this happen (and we all know it will) in the future?


References:
1, 3, 4.  The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2.  http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm