10 Gentle Tips for Kids Who Hate the Bath

Welcome to the April 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids and Personal Care
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles relating to their children's personal care choices.


Somewhere along the line when Gumby was around 2.5 she started hating baths.  Loathing them, really and straight out refusing to be in the tub.  I think I put her in a few times when the water was too hot and I also figured out she *hated* when she would get her hair washed and the water would drip down her face.  I'm guessing part of the problem was normal toddler stuff as well. She enjoyed swimming, and calling the tub our "indoor pool" worked for a very short time.  And then, it didn't.  It was summer and she was getting frequent chlorine baths at the local pool and we figured the phase would pass.  It didn't. 
Eventually, we were able to establish a bath routine with which she felt comfortable.  Here are some things that were helpful for us.

First, the really helpful items:

1. Routine
We are a very "go with the flow" family and have a difficult time sticking to any type of routine.  It makes sense that kids feel more comfortable when things are familiar and they know what to expect.  We were desperate, so we implemented a few bath days and designated 'hair washing' days, and we stuck to them .  She hated it, so we went slow, not trying for every single day.  Routines removes choices when choices become a problem (ie: do you want to have a bath in the little bathroom or big bathroom ... answer: 'I don't want to have a bath anywhere.') The routine cut down on arguing with us about having a bath.  It is simply bath time because that is what it is.  It's not randomly thrown into the day, but designated and we can look on the calendar and know when exactly it is.  Feelings and expressions of disapproval and upset were acknowledged with empathy, but in the end, it was bath day.

2. Just for Fun
The goal was just go get Gumby into the tub.  Seriously.  On many of the bath days after our new routine started, they were 'just for fun'.  She didn't have to get wet, soapy, etc.  We just wanted her to feel comfortable being in the tub.  Maybe even play a little. 

3. Stool to sit on
Gumby did not want to touch the water.  At all.  We took her step stool into the tub to use as a seat.  A dry seat.  Towels required in case of a droplet of water hitting her seat.  She could sit with her feet on the stool and put them into the water when/if she was ready.

4. Sponge baths
We had to keep her clean'ish somehow! :)

These things are also fun and helpful:

Gumby happy suds-ing up

5. Songs
The hair washing was the biggest challenge.  Even with a little visor hat to keep the water out and telling her to look up, it only takes a moment of her looking down for the water to flood her face resulting in much upset.  We have a silly little song that we sing while we wash Gumby's hair.  She looks forward to it and it seems to help.  She even smiles now (months later) during hair washes!

6. Predictability & Narration
Since she dreaded the hair washing so very, very much, we thought it would be helpful to let her know what would be next and when it would be over.  We tell her we're going to wet her hair with six cup fulls of water.  We count them with her.  We also tell her right where they will be going.  "This one is going down the top!  Look up up up!"  "Here comes the next one down this side." ... the narration goes with our silly song.

7. Toys
Not just bath toys, but any toys.   We let her choose animals that may need baths, containers for pouring, boats or the many uses of a container, blocks, etc... anything a little different to keep it interesting and fun.

8. Paint
Gumby may not want soap on herself, but she loves painting herself.  Don't mention that the paint is food coloring and bubble bath soap.  :)

9. Themes
We've only done this a little bit with adding food coloring to the water and one with balloons in the tub.  You can actually find a lot of really cool themed baths for kids online. 

10. Location
Once we established a routine and that bath time was going to happen, we found that Gumby did have a preference on which tub to use.  The corner tub in the master bathroom is more open and larger and she had a clear preference for that one over the one that we used to use all the time ... you know, the one where I made the water too hot and then poured it over her face to wash her hair ;)

What tips do you have for bathing kiddos' that do not want any part of the water/tub?

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 10 with all the carnival links.)

• Rub-a-Dub Co-Bathing in Our Tub — Bath time is more than soap and water! That Mama Gretchen shares how co-bathing with her toddler has opened up a world of cleanliness, learning, and bonding.
• This is How We Take a Bath — Shannon at GrowingSlower shares her special formulas for babywash and a happy bath time.
• How to Gently Trim Your Toddler's Nails — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses some of the gentle suggestions she has received to help Little Man overcome his anxiety of having his nails trimmed, as well as how she copes with her need for his nails to be trimmed.
• Baby bath time and skin care — Ursula Ciller shares some simple and natural tips for bathing and skin care.
• Want Your Child To Love Getting Clean? Have Them Make Their Own Soaps, Shampoos, and Lotions! — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her secret to empowering her daughter to "get clean." Together, Jennifer and her daughter make their own body washes and lotions which makes clean up time fun!
• Encouraging Self-care Through Awareness... and Fun — Amy at Presence Parenting shares some tips on how to transform self-care from a struggle into an opportunity -- for kids and adults.
• Caring for kids' curls — Lauren at Hobo Mama tells you how to clean, condition, comb, and style ringlets and waves on little heads.
• Playing in the Rain — Jorje of Momma Jorje loves how her family has come to make a family event of showering!
• The Cleansing Power of the Football — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet talks about her son's favorite bath buddy.
• Coconut Oil: Nature's "Baby Magic" — Megan at The Boho Mama has only one must-have baby care item in her cupboard: Coconut Oil!
• For Sensitive Kids, Less Is More — Kadiera at Our Little Acorn finds less cleaning is better.
• Bathtime: Just Another Chance to Play! — Lyndsay at Our Feminist {Play} School discusses the many reasons bath time is important - getting clean isn't one of them.
• Hygiene? What hygiene? — Sheila at A Gift Universe confesses some of her most embarrassing hygiene secrets.
• Confused About Chemicals? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake, Half Asleep describes how to find out where the toxic chemicals are in your house and tips on alternatives.
• Clipping Those Talons — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways her daughter's tolerance for personal care has changed over time, especially when it comes to nail clipping.
• Sit Back, Relax and Unschool Hygiene — Instead of focusing on tactics of how to 'get' your child to focus on hygiene, Authentic Parenting explains how to help your child internalize hygienic standards.
• Help! My Tot will not let me brush her teeth! — Mudpiemama shares five positive ways to help toddlers brush teeth and sabotage the tooth fairy’s secret conspiracy.
• Self Care and the Spirited Child — Amy at Toddler In Tow shares how a balancing act between independence and connectedness helps her spirited child learn appropriate self-care.
• Hairbrushing is a Safety Issue — Dulce de leche guest posting at Natural Parents Network explains that although tangles are not a safety issue, self-confidence and body boundaries are.
• 15 Ideas to Prepare Toddlers and Preschoolers for Dental Procedures — Dionna at Code Name: Mama is sharing ideas on how to thoughtfully prepare little ones for dental visits (particularly those that require anesthesia).

• Holistic Care of your Toddler's Teeth — Erica at ChildOrganics tells a tale of her children's teeth issues and how she uses homeopathy and good nutrition to keep cavities at bay.
• Bath Time Bliss : Fuss-Free Bath Time for Toddlers — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she has made bath time completely fuss free for both her and her toddler.
• Homemade Natural Toothpaste — City Kids Homeschooling hosts a guest post on a homemade natural toothpaste recipe that kids will love!
• Bathing Strike Strategies — Crunchy Con Mommy offers her best tips for keeping your little ones clean when they refuse to bathe.
• Bodily Autonomy and Personal Hygeine — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses the importance of supporting a child's bodily autonomy in the prevention of abuse.
• A Tub Full of Kiddos! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment has kiddos who love the water, so bathtime is a favorite evening activity!
• The Trials of Tidying My Toddler — Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares the difficulties she has with getting her on-the-go son to be still enough to get clean.
• Wiped Clean — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen shares her recipe for homemade diaper wipe solution to clean those sweet little cloth diapered bottoms in her home!
• Snug in a Towel: Embracing Personal Grooming — Personal care is time consuming,especially with more than one child; but the mama at Our Muddy Boots is learning to embrace this fleeting and needful time.
• EC: All or Nothing? — Elimination Communication. Even the title sounds complicated and time consuming. It doesn't have to, if you adapt it to meet your family's needs, says Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Routine Battles — In a guest post at Anktangle, Jorje of Momma Jorje outlines a simple incentive to help inspire your little one to follow a routine.
• Redefining Beauty For My Daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger relays her struggle to define her own femininity and how her preschooler unexpectedly taught her a lesson in true beauty.
• Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Three Girls In The Tub — Chrystal at Happy Mothering shares how she turns bath time into a few minutes of peace and quiet.
• Montessori-Inspired Activities for Care of Self — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has a roundup of Montessori-inspired activities for care of self and ideas for home environments that encourage independence.
• 10 Gentle Tips for Little Ones Who Hate the Bath — Kim at life-is-learning gives 10 tips to get your little one into the bath and maybe even enjoying it.
• The Boy With The Long Hair — Liam at In The Now discusses his son's grooming choices.
• Personal Care in a Montessori Home — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares a summary of the ways she has organized her family's home to make for easy, Montessori-inspired toddler personal care.
• Styling Kids — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is letting her kids decide what to look like.
• Clean Kids: Laundry and Bath Tips — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia shares tips on how to get your children helping with laundry plus recipes for laundry and liquid soap.
• How to Clean Your Children Naturally: A Tutorial — Erika at Cinco de Mommy shows you how to clean your children.
• Cleaniliness is next to... dirt — The lapse-prone eco-mom (Kenna at Million Tiny Things) sometimes forgets to bathe the kids. Except in the mud pit.

Stop Calling Children "Drama Queens"

Two toddlers are running around at the playground, turn a corner and run right into each other.  The force knocks each of them to the ground.  As one toddler's parent asks the little one if she is okay from the fall, the other toddler's parent rolls his eyes, chuckles and tells her not to be such a "drama queen".  The kids get up and continue playing.  You wouldn't be able to tell which child had which discussion, at least not on the surface.  While one child feels respected, validated and that her feelings matter, the other one doesn't bother to show any feelings because they will not be taken seriously anyway. 

The sidewalks are crowded and icy.  While one adult is rushing to get home from a long days work, another is engulfed in their cell phone while waiting for a cab.  The person in a hurry turns quickly and bumps into the other adult, knocking them down.  The fallen adult shrieks in pain and and grabs his ankle.  Is he a "drama queen" also?

There are a lot of situations that are similar that happen to adults and children.  Adults are almost always taken seriously, but it seems that children rarely are.  Their reactions and emotions are often made trivial by surrounding adults.  But, they are not trivial and each interaction teaches the children something far bigger that what is seen on the surface.

 An Unfinished Brain

Humans are born with a very immature brain; it is only 25% of the final adult brain size.

90% of the growth of the human brain occurs in the first five years of life.¹  The lower part of the brain is emotional, triggering strong emotions.  The higher part of the brain, the last part of the brain to develop, is in charge of reasoning, empathy and keeping the strong emotions in check.  The higher part of the brain continues to develop in the teenage years and even into the early 20s!²  Children are not setting out to be "excessivly emotional" as Merriam Webster defines a "Drama Queen". "Drama queen" emotions and reactions in children are simply an example of the higher part of the brain not being developed enough to calm and control the impulses of the lower brain.  

They are simply being children who have the same needs of love, empathy and understanding as the rest of us adults.

During the first five years of a child's life, the higher brain is forming a huge amount of connections between its cells.  These connections affect how the child will function socially and emotionally.³  The base of these connections rely very heavily on what the child is exposed to, reactions they experience, words that are said to them.  When children are exposed to bullying at a young age, the brain structures and chemical systems in their brain actually change.⁴  It is vitally important not to mock or bully a child. 

Minimizing Feelings & A Blow to Self-Esteem

When a child is called things such as "drama queen" and their feelings are not taken seriously, they may start to feel they do not deserve to be taken seriously.  If those around them are telling them they are insignificant, then they believe that they are insignificant.  They slowly start believing that what they say or feel really doesn't matter.  They may hide their feelings or loose their self respect leaving them even more vulnerable to bullies, drugs etc. The last thing a parent wants is a child afraid to be honest or express themselves openly in the parent-child relationship.

Shaming & a Fear of Vulnerability

Children learn by example.  What example does it set for a child on how to treat someone in a time of upset if when they are upset, they are not taken seriously, validated or shown empathy, but instead shamed?  Shame is an intense and painful feeling.  One way to protect oneself from shame is to put up a shield against ones own vulnerability.  Any weaknesses are hidden so that no one can cause the child to feel shame.  Children learn that pointing out another's vulnerability, they can protect their own.  They may try to rid themselves of their shame by projecting it onto others and become a bully.

Namecalling & Labelling are Self Fullfilling Prophecies

Children naturally look to adults for direction and information and internalize things said to or about them.  Namecalling and labelling are self fullfilling prophecies.  If a child is constantly called or labelled as something, then that becomes true to them and they actually will strive to fit the label.  Maybe the fall doesn't hurt, but the child knows they are a "drama queen", so they know they need to yell and scream and make an excessive commotion, which will result in them being called a "drama queen", and so on.

The Effects of Labelling on the Labeller
Labels such as "drama queens" have a negative connotation.  How would your reactions towards someone or a situation change if you thought of someone as "drama queen" versus thinking of them as human beings who have the same needs and feelings as yourself?  How would you respond differently?  Think about the examples at the beginning of this page.  You have convinced yourself that your child is a drama queen.  Clearly, when they fall and are upset, you are annoyed because you have already decided this reaction is in excess and only to get a reaction or attention which you have no intention of giving.  Later, you see an adult, who you have no pre-conceived notions of, fall.  You rush over to see if they are hurt, need help to get up, need a doctor.  Perhaps you empathize with them, at their embarrassment of the fall.  The two scenarios are similar, but your reactions are polar opposites.  The difference is the labels you already had set, or not, in your own mind.

Whether negative comments by adults to and/or about children are meant to be insulting or whether they are said in what is meant to be "good natured fun", there are serious and long term consequences to minimizing childrens' feelings, shaming, namecalling and labelling. Stop doing it!

This post was inspired by an actual event as described in the first paragraph.  The other parent went so far as to imply my toddler was also a "drama queen" after the two toddlers collided and Gumby asked for a mooch.  The problem is that neither Deeda nor myself are good with confrontations.  We said nothing and just ignored the folks, though we both wanted so badly to explain to him what the consequences are of his actions.
What did you think of the post?
What would you have done in the situation?
How could we educate folks should this happen (and we all know it will) in the future?


References:
1, 3, 4.  The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2.  http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm



Nighttime Potty Learning

When Gumby started using the potty, it was 100% full time, just like a switch had been flipped; she was a potty machine.  She had already been having lots of naked time and hating diapers, so we just dove into getting her underwear.  But, we did wonder: what should we do at night?

I couldn't seem to find a lot of information out there for night time potty learning.  I had noticed her overnight diapers were getting less and less wet; sometimes they would be dry.

The first day that she used the potty consistently, at bed time, we asked her if she wanted a diaper.  She said no.  We co-sleep and we have a mattress pad.  So, I explained to her what I thought would happen.  I told her if she had to potty, we'd wake up, sit on the potty, potty and then go back to bed.  I told her if I noticed her pottying in her sleep, we'd wake up, sit on the potty, potty and then go back to bed. It seemed so simple.  What surprised me was that her and I both could sleep right through those little accidents until it was too late.

For the first time, the other night, she had a full bladder and was uncomfortable, stirring and thrashing.  I kept asking her if she needed to sit on the potty and finally, she said "yes"!  We still have accidents, but we deal with them.

Here are a few things that we have found helpful on our nighttime potty learning adventure:

Patience and Trust

We will get there when we get there. :)  We cannot control when Gumby uses the potty; we can only try to help her learn to recognize the feelings of needing to go and what to do.  We need to trust that she will go when she needs to go. 

Mattress pads and those little 'multi-use' waterproof baby pads

We keep the entire mattress under a fitted waterproof mattress pad.  We also have a flat pad that is the size of the toddler bed that we keep on top of that, right where Gumby is most likely to lay.  Sometimes, if we have an accident, the toddler bed sized pad catches it all and we don't have to change the full fitted mattress pad.  The little "multi-use" water proof pads come in  handy should an accident occur in the middle of the night.  I, personally, have no desire to wake up the family and re-make the bed at some odd hour of the night.  If a wet spot is found, it can be covered with the small pad so that we can sleep on a dry surface and deal with the mess in the morning.

Recognition that Nighttime Potty Learning is a Natural Milestone

As I mentioned, when we started this journey, I thought I could help Gumby learn to recognize needing to potty while sleeping and wake up.  Ah, I still chuckle.  And, I am still amazed that she can pee when she is literally sound asleep.  Even if I did notice *and* could bring myself to wake my sleeping baby, she'd probably be done by then anyway.  I have read forum posts of folks with kids her age that stay dry all night and some whose five year old kiddos are not dry at night.  All kids are different and this is like walking; they will do it when they are ready to do it.

No Need to Night Wean
This ties in with the previous item.  Gumby still nurse at night, quite a bit.  Most nights she is dry regardless.  Again, I have read forum posts of folks who have tried night weaning and the little ones still weren't dry all night.  So, for us, why ruin a good thing? :)

Limit certain fluids 2-3 Hours Before Bed

The other night I wanted some hot tea.  Gumby loves hot tea and she shared some also.  But it was late, and then she went to bed.  The rest of the tale won't surprise you, but we did learn that certain drinks such as hot tea and slushies probably should be cut off 2-3 hours before beddy time.  We don't limit nursing, milk or water.

Nighttime Potty for Everyone

In one of my less than proud and gentle moments, I learned that it is true - you can sit them on the potty, by hook or by crook, but you cannot make them go.  Even though it is so hard not to impose our will, try to force her to go because we think she has to, not to get upset if she doesn't go when we think she has to, we had to let go of trying to push the night time potty issue and just accept what would be.  Sometimes, she pottys right before bed at 10pm and still has an accident.  Some nights, her last potty was at 4pm and she refused to go and she'd be dry still!  We decided to change what we could control (us) and not worry about what we cannot control (Gumby).  So, the rest of the family has nighttime potty.  We don't make a real big deal, but we each announce that we are having our nighttime potty.  And, we put the dogs out for their nighttime potty too.  Almost every time, it turns out Gumby also needs a nighttime potty.

So, some weeks I don't have to wash the bedding at all, other than the usual maintenance washing.  Some weeks, I have to wash the bedding every other day.  We could use diapers or pull ups and keep the bedding dry and clean.  But, in our journey, we honestly feel that would hurt Gumby's sense of pride and accomplishment and that is far more important to us than the bedding.

What information, tips or things have you found useful in your nighttime potty learning adventures?

21 Things I Learned from my Daughter

1.)  The meaning and feeling of unconditional love.

2.)  Persistence.  Have you ever truely watched a toddler ... struggling to learn to walk, they fall and fall, but never give up.  So many things that we take for granted, they really have to work at; and work at it, they do.  It's admirable.

3.)  To express your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly.  Even when we just arrive at a relative's house, she has no qualms about clearly stating "I need go home."

4.)  How to make the most comfy beds with pillows and blankets abound.

5.)  Time goes so fast.  Stop to smell the flowers.



Gumby around 22 mo old enjoying clovers in the yard



6.)  Live in the moment.

7.)  The joy of laughing at nothing.

8.)  Patience

9.)  Anything can be an adventure, if you let it.

10.)  Nothing is gross when its your baby.

11.) To be confident in myself and my beliefs.

12.) To trust my instincts.
13.)  The importance of modeling behavior and being the change that you want to see.
14.)  That my dream in life is being a mother.
15.)  Anything is an art canvas and anything is paint.


Gumby around 16 mo old with Hershey's Syrup :)



16.)  Simplify.  Simplify.  Simplify.  Cribs, strollers, walkers, high chairs, play pens, baby food, etc are not necessities. 

17.)  The importance of not just hearing, but truely listening.
18.)  Nursing babies are not going to bite mom just because they get teeth.  In fact, it is physically impossible for one to nurse and bite at the same time.
19.)  Even grocery shopping at the store you loathe can be fun.

20.)  If you can change something, change it.  If you cannot change something, change your expectations instead.

21.)  The house, the laundry, the dishes and anything else can wait, but your baby, family and friends cannot.



Deeda, Gumby, Grammie and Grandpa as Gumby masters walking by pushing her play stroller.

  Thank you Gumby ... :)

What have you learned from your children?