What Derails my Peaceful Parenting

Lately, Gumby and I seem to clash ... so much more than we used to.  I suppose it has something to do with all of the development that is happening with a three and a half year old and the adjustment to having a new member of the family.  But, it also has something to do with my response to her.  Sometimes, my responses are not what I want them to be and are also probably not what Gumby is expecting of me.  I have become aware of a few things that derail me from my peaceful parenting track.  I hope to use this awareness to pause, see that my responses are not coming from the heart but from these other issues which are my own, acknowledge them and get back on track.

1.Expectations & Controlling Outcomes
I can get so caught up in expectations that I forget parenting is about the journey and the relationships we are cultivating along the way.  As my energy goes towards controlling a certain expectation or outcome that I have perceived as important or correct in my own mind, I find myself wrapped up in that control, in a battle, which makes me angry.  The more my focus turns towards these outcomes and away from Gumby, the more it seems like I am struggling against a tide of increasing strength.  Except I am the one giving it strength.  And, Gumby isn't struggling against me, she's simply struggling.  She's asking for my help because the tide is sweeping her away.  When I let go of my expectations and understand that I cannot (nor do I need to) control outcomes, I am more able to focus on Gumby's needs and how I can help this situation in this present moment.

2. Minimizing Feelings
I know that it is not beneficial to minimize feelings.  Gumby's feelings are important, real and often times for her very strong.  It is a challenge for me to empathize when I interpret her feelings as exaggerated or silly.  Duck poo around the pond, bright sunlight and unpleasant smells may not be unbearable for me, an adult with a fully mature and (mostly) regulated system, but for a little one with an immature brain and not fully regulated system, these things can be a real bother.  When my mind dubs a catalyst to Gumby's feelings as insignificant, I struggle to respond in the nurturing way that Gumby needs.  What I strive to remember is that these things are big to her and she needs a hand  when things are feeling out of control for her.  She would not ask for something if she did not need it.

3. Privilege
Thoughts of my own privilege can provoke irritation, anger and a shortage of patience.  I cannot empathize or empower Gumby when I am viewing what I "deserve" as being at odds with Gumby's needs and feelings. Framing my needs as a privilege that I deserve invites a conflict that I am loosing, that I must fight to win.  While it is important to acknowledge my own needs and feelings, I want to act in a way that works to meet every one's needs as best as possible.

4.Thinking I Do Not Have a Choice
When I find myself thinking I have no choice in a situation, I feel helpless, entrapped and act with annoyance at best.  I do not have to play, pick up, carry, nurse or anything.  I must remember that I choose to do these things because they are important.  And, if I need a rest, then I need to acknowledge that as well.  It does not model self limits and respect to Gumby if I sigh or roll my eyes while fulfilling a request of hers.  I must remember that everything is a choice, my choice.  It makes me happy knowing that I do have a choice which enables me to interact and respond from a place of peace.

Tonight at bedtime, all four of these things crept into my mind.  But I was ready for them.  Laying in bed trying to help a little one sleep when it takes long has always been a challenge to me... Because I want to control the outcome (she should be asleep by now) ... I inadvertanly minimize her feelings anad needs (This is ridiculous, just go to sleep) ... I stew about what I deserve to be doing instead (I've laid here long enough, go to sleep so I can shower, clean, watch shows, blog, cuddle with my husband, etc) ... and I think I have to lay there.  But, I didn't.  I didn't have to lay there.  And, I didn't have to control the outcome.  She's never stayed up forever before, surely, tonight would not be any different.  Her inability to settle in to bed tonight was not ridiculous to her, otherwise, she would have been asleep!  Yes, I had things I wanted to do.  But, most of all, I wanted to act out of compassion to meet my daughters needs.  And, I did.

What things sneak up on you to derail your peaceful parenting?
How does identifying them help you get back on track?

10 Gentle Tips for Kids Who Hate the Bath

Welcome to the April 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids and Personal Care
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles relating to their children's personal care choices.


Somewhere along the line when Gumby was around 2.5 she started hating baths.  Loathing them, really and straight out refusing to be in the tub.  I think I put her in a few times when the water was too hot and I also figured out she *hated* when she would get her hair washed and the water would drip down her face.  I'm guessing part of the problem was normal toddler stuff as well. She enjoyed swimming, and calling the tub our "indoor pool" worked for a very short time.  And then, it didn't.  It was summer and she was getting frequent chlorine baths at the local pool and we figured the phase would pass.  It didn't. 
Eventually, we were able to establish a bath routine with which she felt comfortable.  Here are some things that were helpful for us.

First, the really helpful items:

1. Routine
We are a very "go with the flow" family and have a difficult time sticking to any type of routine.  It makes sense that kids feel more comfortable when things are familiar and they know what to expect.  We were desperate, so we implemented a few bath days and designated 'hair washing' days, and we stuck to them .  She hated it, so we went slow, not trying for every single day.  Routines removes choices when choices become a problem (ie: do you want to have a bath in the little bathroom or big bathroom ... answer: 'I don't want to have a bath anywhere.') The routine cut down on arguing with us about having a bath.  It is simply bath time because that is what it is.  It's not randomly thrown into the day, but designated and we can look on the calendar and know when exactly it is.  Feelings and expressions of disapproval and upset were acknowledged with empathy, but in the end, it was bath day.

2. Just for Fun
The goal was just go get Gumby into the tub.  Seriously.  On many of the bath days after our new routine started, they were 'just for fun'.  She didn't have to get wet, soapy, etc.  We just wanted her to feel comfortable being in the tub.  Maybe even play a little. 

3. Stool to sit on
Gumby did not want to touch the water.  At all.  We took her step stool into the tub to use as a seat.  A dry seat.  Towels required in case of a droplet of water hitting her seat.  She could sit with her feet on the stool and put them into the water when/if she was ready.

4. Sponge baths
We had to keep her clean'ish somehow! :)

These things are also fun and helpful:

Gumby happy suds-ing up

5. Songs
The hair washing was the biggest challenge.  Even with a little visor hat to keep the water out and telling her to look up, it only takes a moment of her looking down for the water to flood her face resulting in much upset.  We have a silly little song that we sing while we wash Gumby's hair.  She looks forward to it and it seems to help.  She even smiles now (months later) during hair washes!

6. Predictability & Narration
Since she dreaded the hair washing so very, very much, we thought it would be helpful to let her know what would be next and when it would be over.  We tell her we're going to wet her hair with six cup fulls of water.  We count them with her.  We also tell her right where they will be going.  "This one is going down the top!  Look up up up!"  "Here comes the next one down this side." ... the narration goes with our silly song.

7. Toys
Not just bath toys, but any toys.   We let her choose animals that may need baths, containers for pouring, boats or the many uses of a container, blocks, etc... anything a little different to keep it interesting and fun.

8. Paint
Gumby may not want soap on herself, but she loves painting herself.  Don't mention that the paint is food coloring and bubble bath soap.  :)

9. Themes
We've only done this a little bit with adding food coloring to the water and one with balloons in the tub.  You can actually find a lot of really cool themed baths for kids online. 

10. Location
Once we established a routine and that bath time was going to happen, we found that Gumby did have a preference on which tub to use.  The corner tub in the master bathroom is more open and larger and she had a clear preference for that one over the one that we used to use all the time ... you know, the one where I made the water too hot and then poured it over her face to wash her hair ;)

What tips do you have for bathing kiddos' that do not want any part of the water/tub?

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 10 with all the carnival links.)

• Rub-a-Dub Co-Bathing in Our Tub — Bath time is more than soap and water! That Mama Gretchen shares how co-bathing with her toddler has opened up a world of cleanliness, learning, and bonding.
• This is How We Take a Bath — Shannon at GrowingSlower shares her special formulas for babywash and a happy bath time.
• How to Gently Trim Your Toddler's Nails — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses some of the gentle suggestions she has received to help Little Man overcome his anxiety of having his nails trimmed, as well as how she copes with her need for his nails to be trimmed.
• Baby bath time and skin care — Ursula Ciller shares some simple and natural tips for bathing and skin care.
• Want Your Child To Love Getting Clean? Have Them Make Their Own Soaps, Shampoos, and Lotions! — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her secret to empowering her daughter to "get clean." Together, Jennifer and her daughter make their own body washes and lotions which makes clean up time fun!
• Encouraging Self-care Through Awareness... and Fun — Amy at Presence Parenting shares some tips on how to transform self-care from a struggle into an opportunity -- for kids and adults.
• Caring for kids' curls — Lauren at Hobo Mama tells you how to clean, condition, comb, and style ringlets and waves on little heads.
• Playing in the Rain — Jorje of Momma Jorje loves how her family has come to make a family event of showering!
• The Cleansing Power of the Football — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet talks about her son's favorite bath buddy.
• Coconut Oil: Nature's "Baby Magic" — Megan at The Boho Mama has only one must-have baby care item in her cupboard: Coconut Oil!
• For Sensitive Kids, Less Is More — Kadiera at Our Little Acorn finds less cleaning is better.
• Bathtime: Just Another Chance to Play! — Lyndsay at Our Feminist {Play} School discusses the many reasons bath time is important - getting clean isn't one of them.
• Hygiene? What hygiene? — Sheila at A Gift Universe confesses some of her most embarrassing hygiene secrets.
• Confused About Chemicals? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake, Half Asleep describes how to find out where the toxic chemicals are in your house and tips on alternatives.
• Clipping Those Talons — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways her daughter's tolerance for personal care has changed over time, especially when it comes to nail clipping.
• Sit Back, Relax and Unschool Hygiene — Instead of focusing on tactics of how to 'get' your child to focus on hygiene, Authentic Parenting explains how to help your child internalize hygienic standards.
• Help! My Tot will not let me brush her teeth! — Mudpiemama shares five positive ways to help toddlers brush teeth and sabotage the tooth fairy’s secret conspiracy.
• Self Care and the Spirited Child — Amy at Toddler In Tow shares how a balancing act between independence and connectedness helps her spirited child learn appropriate self-care.
• Hairbrushing is a Safety Issue — Dulce de leche guest posting at Natural Parents Network explains that although tangles are not a safety issue, self-confidence and body boundaries are.
• 15 Ideas to Prepare Toddlers and Preschoolers for Dental Procedures — Dionna at Code Name: Mama is sharing ideas on how to thoughtfully prepare little ones for dental visits (particularly those that require anesthesia).

• Holistic Care of your Toddler's Teeth — Erica at ChildOrganics tells a tale of her children's teeth issues and how she uses homeopathy and good nutrition to keep cavities at bay.
• Bath Time Bliss : Fuss-Free Bath Time for Toddlers — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she has made bath time completely fuss free for both her and her toddler.
• Homemade Natural Toothpaste — City Kids Homeschooling hosts a guest post on a homemade natural toothpaste recipe that kids will love!
• Bathing Strike Strategies — Crunchy Con Mommy offers her best tips for keeping your little ones clean when they refuse to bathe.
• Bodily Autonomy and Personal Hygeine — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses the importance of supporting a child's bodily autonomy in the prevention of abuse.
• A Tub Full of Kiddos! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment has kiddos who love the water, so bathtime is a favorite evening activity!
• The Trials of Tidying My Toddler — Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares the difficulties she has with getting her on-the-go son to be still enough to get clean.
• Wiped Clean — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen shares her recipe for homemade diaper wipe solution to clean those sweet little cloth diapered bottoms in her home!
• Snug in a Towel: Embracing Personal Grooming — Personal care is time consuming,especially with more than one child; but the mama at Our Muddy Boots is learning to embrace this fleeting and needful time.
• EC: All or Nothing? — Elimination Communication. Even the title sounds complicated and time consuming. It doesn't have to, if you adapt it to meet your family's needs, says Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Routine Battles — In a guest post at Anktangle, Jorje of Momma Jorje outlines a simple incentive to help inspire your little one to follow a routine.
• Redefining Beauty For My Daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger relays her struggle to define her own femininity and how her preschooler unexpectedly taught her a lesson in true beauty.
• Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Three Girls In The Tub — Chrystal at Happy Mothering shares how she turns bath time into a few minutes of peace and quiet.
• Montessori-Inspired Activities for Care of Self — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has a roundup of Montessori-inspired activities for care of self and ideas for home environments that encourage independence.
• 10 Gentle Tips for Little Ones Who Hate the Bath — Kim at life-is-learning gives 10 tips to get your little one into the bath and maybe even enjoying it.
• The Boy With The Long Hair — Liam at In The Now discusses his son's grooming choices.
• Personal Care in a Montessori Home — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares a summary of the ways she has organized her family's home to make for easy, Montessori-inspired toddler personal care.
• Styling Kids — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is letting her kids decide what to look like.
• Clean Kids: Laundry and Bath Tips — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia shares tips on how to get your children helping with laundry plus recipes for laundry and liquid soap.
• How to Clean Your Children Naturally: A Tutorial — Erika at Cinco de Mommy shows you how to clean your children.
• Cleaniliness is next to... dirt — The lapse-prone eco-mom (Kenna at Million Tiny Things) sometimes forgets to bathe the kids. Except in the mud pit.

Stop Calling Children "Drama Queens"

Two toddlers are running around at the playground, turn a corner and run right into each other.  The force knocks each of them to the ground.  As one toddler's parent asks the little one if she is okay from the fall, the other toddler's parent rolls his eyes, chuckles and tells her not to be such a "drama queen".  The kids get up and continue playing.  You wouldn't be able to tell which child had which discussion, at least not on the surface.  While one child feels respected, validated and that her feelings matter, the other one doesn't bother to show any feelings because they will not be taken seriously anyway. 

The sidewalks are crowded and icy.  While one adult is rushing to get home from a long days work, another is engulfed in their cell phone while waiting for a cab.  The person in a hurry turns quickly and bumps into the other adult, knocking them down.  The fallen adult shrieks in pain and and grabs his ankle.  Is he a "drama queen" also?

There are a lot of situations that are similar that happen to adults and children.  Adults are almost always taken seriously, but it seems that children rarely are.  Their reactions and emotions are often made trivial by surrounding adults.  But, they are not trivial and each interaction teaches the children something far bigger that what is seen on the surface.

 An Unfinished Brain

Humans are born with a very immature brain; it is only 25% of the final adult brain size.

90% of the growth of the human brain occurs in the first five years of life.¹  The lower part of the brain is emotional, triggering strong emotions.  The higher part of the brain, the last part of the brain to develop, is in charge of reasoning, empathy and keeping the strong emotions in check.  The higher part of the brain continues to develop in the teenage years and even into the early 20s!²  Children are not setting out to be "excessivly emotional" as Merriam Webster defines a "Drama Queen". "Drama queen" emotions and reactions in children are simply an example of the higher part of the brain not being developed enough to calm and control the impulses of the lower brain.  

They are simply being children who have the same needs of love, empathy and understanding as the rest of us adults.

During the first five years of a child's life, the higher brain is forming a huge amount of connections between its cells.  These connections affect how the child will function socially and emotionally.³  The base of these connections rely very heavily on what the child is exposed to, reactions they experience, words that are said to them.  When children are exposed to bullying at a young age, the brain structures and chemical systems in their brain actually change.⁴  It is vitally important not to mock or bully a child. 

Minimizing Feelings & A Blow to Self-Esteem

When a child is called things such as "drama queen" and their feelings are not taken seriously, they may start to feel they do not deserve to be taken seriously.  If those around them are telling them they are insignificant, then they believe that they are insignificant.  They slowly start believing that what they say or feel really doesn't matter.  They may hide their feelings or loose their self respect leaving them even more vulnerable to bullies, drugs etc. The last thing a parent wants is a child afraid to be honest or express themselves openly in the parent-child relationship.

Shaming & a Fear of Vulnerability

Children learn by example.  What example does it set for a child on how to treat someone in a time of upset if when they are upset, they are not taken seriously, validated or shown empathy, but instead shamed?  Shame is an intense and painful feeling.  One way to protect oneself from shame is to put up a shield against ones own vulnerability.  Any weaknesses are hidden so that no one can cause the child to feel shame.  Children learn that pointing out another's vulnerability, they can protect their own.  They may try to rid themselves of their shame by projecting it onto others and become a bully.

Namecalling & Labelling are Self Fullfilling Prophecies

Children naturally look to adults for direction and information and internalize things said to or about them.  Namecalling and labelling are self fullfilling prophecies.  If a child is constantly called or labelled as something, then that becomes true to them and they actually will strive to fit the label.  Maybe the fall doesn't hurt, but the child knows they are a "drama queen", so they know they need to yell and scream and make an excessive commotion, which will result in them being called a "drama queen", and so on.

The Effects of Labelling on the Labeller
Labels such as "drama queens" have a negative connotation.  How would your reactions towards someone or a situation change if you thought of someone as "drama queen" versus thinking of them as human beings who have the same needs and feelings as yourself?  How would you respond differently?  Think about the examples at the beginning of this page.  You have convinced yourself that your child is a drama queen.  Clearly, when they fall and are upset, you are annoyed because you have already decided this reaction is in excess and only to get a reaction or attention which you have no intention of giving.  Later, you see an adult, who you have no pre-conceived notions of, fall.  You rush over to see if they are hurt, need help to get up, need a doctor.  Perhaps you empathize with them, at their embarrassment of the fall.  The two scenarios are similar, but your reactions are polar opposites.  The difference is the labels you already had set, or not, in your own mind.

Whether negative comments by adults to and/or about children are meant to be insulting or whether they are said in what is meant to be "good natured fun", there are serious and long term consequences to minimizing childrens' feelings, shaming, namecalling and labelling. Stop doing it!

This post was inspired by an actual event as described in the first paragraph.  The other parent went so far as to imply my toddler was also a "drama queen" after the two toddlers collided and Gumby asked for a mooch.  The problem is that neither Deeda nor myself are good with confrontations.  We said nothing and just ignored the folks, though we both wanted so badly to explain to him what the consequences are of his actions.
What did you think of the post?
What would you have done in the situation?
How could we educate folks should this happen (and we all know it will) in the future?


References:
1, 3, 4.  The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2.  http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm