Stop Calling Children "Drama Queens"

Two toddlers are running around at the playground, turn a corner and run right into each other.  The force knocks each of them to the ground.  As one toddler's parent asks the little one if she is okay from the fall, the other toddler's parent rolls his eyes, chuckles and tells her not to be such a "drama queen".  The kids get up and continue playing.  You wouldn't be able to tell which child had which discussion, at least not on the surface.  While one child feels respected, validated and that her feelings matter, the other one doesn't bother to show any feelings because they will not be taken seriously anyway. 

The sidewalks are crowded and icy.  While one adult is rushing to get home from a long days work, another is engulfed in their cell phone while waiting for a cab.  The person in a hurry turns quickly and bumps into the other adult, knocking them down.  The fallen adult shrieks in pain and and grabs his ankle.  Is he a "drama queen" also?

There are a lot of situations that are similar that happen to adults and children.  Adults are almost always taken seriously, but it seems that children rarely are.  Their reactions and emotions are often made trivial by surrounding adults.  But, they are not trivial and each interaction teaches the children something far bigger that what is seen on the surface.

 An Unfinished Brain

Humans are born with a very immature brain; it is only 25% of the final adult brain size.

90% of the growth of the human brain occurs in the first five years of life.¹  The lower part of the brain is emotional, triggering strong emotions.  The higher part of the brain, the last part of the brain to develop, is in charge of reasoning, empathy and keeping the strong emotions in check.  The higher part of the brain continues to develop in the teenage years and even into the early 20s!²  Children are not setting out to be "excessivly emotional" as Merriam Webster defines a "Drama Queen". "Drama queen" emotions and reactions in children are simply an example of the higher part of the brain not being developed enough to calm and control the impulses of the lower brain.  

They are simply being children who have the same needs of love, empathy and understanding as the rest of us adults.

During the first five years of a child's life, the higher brain is forming a huge amount of connections between its cells.  These connections affect how the child will function socially and emotionally.³  The base of these connections rely very heavily on what the child is exposed to, reactions they experience, words that are said to them.  When children are exposed to bullying at a young age, the brain structures and chemical systems in their brain actually change.⁴  It is vitally important not to mock or bully a child. 

Minimizing Feelings & A Blow to Self-Esteem

When a child is called things such as "drama queen" and their feelings are not taken seriously, they may start to feel they do not deserve to be taken seriously.  If those around them are telling them they are insignificant, then they believe that they are insignificant.  They slowly start believing that what they say or feel really doesn't matter.  They may hide their feelings or loose their self respect leaving them even more vulnerable to bullies, drugs etc. The last thing a parent wants is a child afraid to be honest or express themselves openly in the parent-child relationship.

Shaming & a Fear of Vulnerability

Children learn by example.  What example does it set for a child on how to treat someone in a time of upset if when they are upset, they are not taken seriously, validated or shown empathy, but instead shamed?  Shame is an intense and painful feeling.  One way to protect oneself from shame is to put up a shield against ones own vulnerability.  Any weaknesses are hidden so that no one can cause the child to feel shame.  Children learn that pointing out another's vulnerability, they can protect their own.  They may try to rid themselves of their shame by projecting it onto others and become a bully.

Namecalling & Labelling are Self Fullfilling Prophecies

Children naturally look to adults for direction and information and internalize things said to or about them.  Namecalling and labelling are self fullfilling prophecies.  If a child is constantly called or labelled as something, then that becomes true to them and they actually will strive to fit the label.  Maybe the fall doesn't hurt, but the child knows they are a "drama queen", so they know they need to yell and scream and make an excessive commotion, which will result in them being called a "drama queen", and so on.

The Effects of Labelling on the Labeller
Labels such as "drama queens" have a negative connotation.  How would your reactions towards someone or a situation change if you thought of someone as "drama queen" versus thinking of them as human beings who have the same needs and feelings as yourself?  How would you respond differently?  Think about the examples at the beginning of this page.  You have convinced yourself that your child is a drama queen.  Clearly, when they fall and are upset, you are annoyed because you have already decided this reaction is in excess and only to get a reaction or attention which you have no intention of giving.  Later, you see an adult, who you have no pre-conceived notions of, fall.  You rush over to see if they are hurt, need help to get up, need a doctor.  Perhaps you empathize with them, at their embarrassment of the fall.  The two scenarios are similar, but your reactions are polar opposites.  The difference is the labels you already had set, or not, in your own mind.

Whether negative comments by adults to and/or about children are meant to be insulting or whether they are said in what is meant to be "good natured fun", there are serious and long term consequences to minimizing childrens' feelings, shaming, namecalling and labelling. Stop doing it!

This post was inspired by an actual event as described in the first paragraph.  The other parent went so far as to imply my toddler was also a "drama queen" after the two toddlers collided and Gumby asked for a mooch.  The problem is that neither Deeda nor myself are good with confrontations.  We said nothing and just ignored the folks, though we both wanted so badly to explain to him what the consequences are of his actions.
What did you think of the post?
What would you have done in the situation?
How could we educate folks should this happen (and we all know it will) in the future?


References:
1, 3, 4.  The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland
2.  http://www.edinformatics.com/news/teenage_brains.htm